Something is different about today. I don’t know how much longer I can stand being alive. I’ve been thinking a lot about a few things; how secret suicides are and how we are never allowed to discuss it, how being a man means you’re not allowed to be emotional or the victim of anything (just suck it up!), and how if I could, I wouldn’t and couldn’t (not a grammatical error) really be like all the heartless shitheads in the world. I want to write about all of it but it seems pointless and trivial and so I don’t, for now at least.
I really think I’m going to die soon. The people who actually read my blog all hate me and want me to. It often seems stupid. I come from a neo-romantic perspective; for me suicide can be beautiful and life affirming, but I seem to be losing that perspective. We’re just packets of flesh, and no one will be paying attention long enough for anything to be life affirming. Sentimental dribble.
I tried my exit bag and have it ready to go. I have to admit it was scary with the bag over my head. The finality of it all.
I don’t know where I read/heard this and I can’t find it, but I keep thinking about Roman slaves and how they were thought to be free because they could always choose to end their lives rather than be slaves. Those with true honour are strong enough to do it.
Nobody really cares. Everything is a lie on top of a lie. For me the trick is to buy into the lie, even knowing its false. Love like its real even though it never is. Fight for justice even though there is none. Be overwhelmed by beauty and let your heart see what it wants, and ignore all the flaws. But romanticism isn’t something you can do on your own, we’re social beings and its just not the world we live in. There is money to be made, and selves to portray to the world, shitty music, and reality TV shows. Bringing home some empty well adjusted idiot to impress your family.
I have to do this for myself. No one else will see the beauty, but I will. I feel like the time is soon. I’m not angry anymore. I just want to go. I’m not meant for this world, and fuck it, this world doesn’t deserve me either. I’m always everyone’s favorite until I ask for anything.
The brand of helium I bought is called “Helium 2 Go,” the gods mock me! It makes me smile though.
Take care world! There were some good times but I was never able to teach you about what I thought was really important. It must have just all been in my head. But then, that seems to be good enough for all of you, not sure why it wasn’t for me.