I feel so fat. I’ve actually lost most of the weight I gained since sick leave & meds caused me to gain about 35 pounds but I miss losing the weight (some of it was due to a hunger strike). I’m not anorexic or anything like that but I do have a sense of what it feels like.
Most people think that eating disorders are simply about body image (and they are), but a lot of it is actually about gaining control over something in a life you’ve lost control of.
I miss being hungry (I had a big lunch)… no, no, that was a joke (but also true). I mean I miss being hungry; I miss the struggle of wanting and resisting at a constant and basic biological level. Maybe the equivalent is some kind of tantric sex? Teasing and denial, hunger and resistance. It makes me feel in control. I like it and may try again if the hunger doesn’t overcome me.
It’s also body image for me right now but not in the way you might think. I’m not trying to look like anyone in a magazine, to be sure; if I were I would be hitting the gym and bulking up, like one of those bottom bitches whose never been in a real fight. No, its about presenting to the world how I feel inside; I want to appear as vulnerable as I am. There would be a certain beauty and comfort in doing that.
I feel free these days, and to some extent proud. I look back at the life I’ve lived and I can’t but smile and have a twinkle in my eye. No one can see it but its there. I’ve done and experienced so much that no one else has, and this is just a silly example of that. I hope my experience gives you an interesting read.
PS I’m learning to play the piano. I can’t die not knowing how to play an instrument.