Too many appointments. I just had my sick leave extended and this is the second time that my doctor (who I think I’m falling for because she is one of the few people I talk to – it doesn’t hurt that she’s beautiful) said that I look like I’m doing a little better.
Now I’m doing even worse. I know what she’s doing, she’s trying to induce a positive reaction. The thing is I think about dying EVERY SINGLE DAY. Not only am I not over what happened to me at work but it has opened up serious wounds for me that I can’t get over. Add to this that I’m lonely as all hell and it really is a recipe for disaster.
I’m worried she just wants to get me off sick leave. The thing is being on sick leave, as miserable as I am, has bought me time. I don’t have to be okay right now, I can be miserable, I won’t once I have to go back to work.
Truth be told there is a positive way to look at this. When I’m eventually forced to, I can finally end it. This is not a life and I don’t know what I’m waiting for. But what really scares me is that I won’t do it. That somehow I’ll find a reason to keep hoping when there really isn’t any hope left. That’s what scares me most and making extremely anxious (extra benzos).
I guess I won’t know until it happens. I know I like thinking about it! I wish I could be conscious for just a little while after I’m dead. Is it childish of me to feel comforted by the idea of others being sad or crying because I’m dead? Like I think about being taken out of my apartment; what neighbours would notice and what would they think? Would they be sad at all? I like to imagine they would. It feels nice.
Anyway, when it comes to depression, please stop seeing things that aren’t there. If I haven’t eaten in a week, having a snack doesn’t mean I suddenly have an appetite; it means I eat once a week! Yes, I want to kill myself, I literally cringe with embarrassment throughout the day, but I also do occasionally laugh, get lost in a movie or book, it’s just a hell of a lot less often than it used to be. But if you catch me on one of those good moments, don’t dismiss everything I am and am going through, you’re just seeing a small piece of the puzzle.