I’m so anxious I feel sick. I can’t make it stop. Took two clonazepam, hopefully it will help, it usually does. Recently I had to give up my helium tank etc. to the Douglas Hospital. They were going to keep me there for the night and it’s how I bargained my way out of it. To be honest, it was kind of nice that someone cared enough. My former employer and co-workers knew, the cops knew, the other doctors knew, even the court knew, no one thought, “hey maybe he shouldn’t have a death device at arm’s reach!” It just makes me feel even more that suicide hits a nerve not because anyone cares but because it’s a revolutionary act.
*Interrupted for 28 minutes by phone call*
Just got a call from Suicide Action Montreal. Nice people. I’m not sure whether to feel cared for or like a complete loser that the local suicide hotline calls me, instead of the other way around. I’m going to go with the latter… God take me please.
Anyway, all this to say that I have no helium tank and I feel like shit. I’m in one of those states where I can almost feel the suffocation and I want it really bad. Its not that I think I would have finally done it had my tank still been here (I could get it all set up in an hour if need be – though business hours are required), I probably wouldn’t but I feel more and more that as rational as wanting to die is for someone in my position, some level of impulsivity is required to pull the trigger.
We have a survival instinct but even more than that, most of us, most of the time, feel okay if we just live in the present, in the immediate and everlasting now. I want to die because my ego is bruised, because I’ve lost faith in people, becuase I want justice and can’t have it, because I’ve lost hope at ever really truly being loved and because I don’t think I am capable of being the person I want to be (in this case, maybe no one is). But that’s all in the clouds, it doesn’t exist in the hear and now. It doesn’t really matter, and yet it’s the very thing that make us human.
So in order to die, I do believe a moment of impulsive madness is neccessary. Reason alone can’t bring you to it, because rationality alone isn’t why you want to do it. Or at least not why I want to. So maybe I do need that tank for when I’m drunk and miserable and I can just end it right there and then before I think too much about it.
I don’t know. It’s something worth considering if you’re suicidal. Maybe a level of impulsivity is just neccessary to do it.