I want to cut their throats and play with their blood. Rip their hearts out and lay it on the ground while its still beating. Lay my ear to the ground beside it and listen to the vibration.

I’m not angry.

I’m just lost and bored. There are bodies all around me; seemingly void of anything of interest.

I want to make them interesting.

When you hate yourself for long enough, you start to hate people. Most of my problems are other people’s problems as well. It’s just that I don’t accept them; I don’t think I’m okay. Why do they want to live? Maybe they need me to put them out of their misery?

I don’t want this. I’m not happy. And I’m not going to go along anymore.

Maybe I want to be crazy. At least that makes me interesting. My greatest fear is and always will be to be normal. Painfully normal. Granite counter-tops, not jail, are the ultimate enemy. Along with yuppie jobs that only pay you enough to be normal.

If I ever got well enough, I want a job that provides for a hefty cocaine and prostitute habit. I don’t want to have a drink at a trendy club… unless it’s to find someone to rape and murder. I wouldn’t of course, this is all hypothetical, but hurting someone is the same as loving them in terms of initiating an intensity of emotion to break up the monotony.

I hate people at clubs. I walk in and immediately judge everyone; “how could you come to a place like this?” Their blood probably tastes sweetest. Blood without any personality. O-negative blood. Universally fucking useless.

I wish I didn’t know the things I know. I wish other people did. They all seem like mannequins now. Maybe that’s why I fetishize their blood, cause that makes them human. Blood is like an electrical current though, feeding code into the rest of our bio-mechanical systems. Its no more human than the oil in our mechanical overlords.

It’s raining today and the ground is wet. Someone clicked the rain button. I’m on to them! When it stops raining the sun just magically soaks up all the rain. I call bull! Someone is clicking the sunny and dry button! Our overlords make us want to assume all of this is normal but it isn’t! Rain and snow, wet and dry, none of this is normal! Lies! All part of the simulation we live in.

So when the blood squirts out, is it really an issue? Were they ever really there? Am I just looking for new coding to supplement my own? Am I AI, have I learned to learn on my own?

Something has to be cut. That’s all I know. Someone has to feel pain. Blood red on pale white skin make me rock hard. I just want a little taste. Before the heart stops beating.

…to be continued (or not)