I never feel as unheard as when I talk to a doctor. It’s like they know its hopeless and don’t want to admit it. I flat out ask for things it takes FOREVER. Take this pill and that pill.

It’s not fucking helping. I want to die more than ever before. “But are you sleeping?”

“Yes, when I’m not waking up with murderous rage, yeah I’m sleeping”

“That’s good!”

Did they hear what I said? Maybe I’m only speaking in my mind.

I’m just so tired of feeling like this. No one but myself to blame for being alive. I keep choosing this. No one else.

Imagine. I’m at least reasonably smart and articulate. Imagine what would happen to someone like that.

Actually reminds me of jail. There was this little boy (the mind of one) there for saying something to a girl. He was litterally a little boy. They put a 10 year old in jail for talking! So crazy.

Anyway. I’m still trying. I feel hopeless but trying. It’s important I document it because when I do die, I don’t want anyone to say there was a life for me or help available. I did everything I could