I feel like I have a split personality right now. I’ve thinking about suicide a ton. Its just so relieving. But then at the same time I’m trying to cut down on smoking (with an eye towards quitting), had a very mediocre workout (0 to something is still an improvement), been making a point to walk more, and have actually been think about a future.

Its so weird to feel ready to end it one moment and be thinking about a future the next. I hope I can continue making improvements. I just wanna get back to the ground floor. Keep your fingers crossed for me, it still feels like it might be an aberration.

As for the shit I went through and continue to go through with my former employer, I’m mostly putting it to bed. The facts are clear. Even if you go entirely buy her version of events, it should have been dealt with in a mature and professional manner. And if I was imagining it all, then someone should have had decency to help me, not hurt me. There is no way to look at it and not see that I made an error but was the victim of immature and unprofessional behavior. At the end of the day, I don’t have to go to 5 a 7’s with these people. I’d be nervous if I was one of them. End of story.