I’m crying right now. I’ve been crying for most of the day. The worst days though, are when you can’t cry. Those days happen way to often.
I don’t know if its just me or if its just a part of the human condition, but I can’t cry unless I can imagine someone feeling sorry for me. That doesn’t mean I cry in front of people hoping they feel sorry (I can’t remember if I’ve ever cried public and not done a very good job of hiding it). It means when I cry I think of people who might realize how much they hurt me and want to make things right or people that think I don’t deserve to be going through all that I’m going through.
The worst days, and they are more and more often, are the days I can’t cry, the days I can’t imagine anyone caring about my suffering. On those days I am an aching stone; completely isolated, and hardened. The sadness turns into a frustration and anger. On those days I completely lose my humanity and wouldn’t think twice about hurting other people, never mind myself.
As I’m crying so much today, I felt I needed to share that insight about crying because I’m terrified that this might be the last time I cry; that I’ll never again feel the warmth of kindness, love, forgiveness, and all human virtues.
I’m afraid of turning into that stone again. I don’t think I can survive as that stone anymore. I want the stone to crack, and me with it, to perish into dust.
No one should live as a stone.