The last few days, and especially today have been busy. It just sort of all piles up when you’re too busy being miserable.
I feel exhausted and as if something terrible just happened. No reason for it; my day went as expected or better even. But just being out in the world makes me… anxious. I feel a bit overwhelmed. It feels like I’ve been in space and my muscles are too weak to walk, not litterally of course, but emotionally that’s how it feels. I only feel okay when I’m in hiding.
I need to try to focus on my life and feel good again and not worry about anything else.
Unfortunately today that means clonazepam because I feel like I can’t breathe and my current thoughts don’t match my feelings. I should feel good about all I accomplished today and instead I’m almost on full anxiety attack mode.
I long for the day that I can just focus on my life, have fun and be happy.
It’s funny what you miss when you’re isolated. I miss the little things, the chit chat at the bar, or being really in to a game as if it mattered, I miss laughing more than anything. I laugh from time to time but sharing laughter with someone else is a rarity now.
The only positive I feel is that I am truly done caring about what awful people think of me. Well… not truly done… but I don’t care so much. It’s liberating though. With all my night terrors and anxiety, there’s a part of me that’s become so much more confident. I’m flawed, very flawed, but I’m proud of and like who I am (I still hate how I currently look).
I feel better now, maybe I won’t need the benzos after all!